I finally broke down and bought a new food processor. I had one but it got lost when we moved, and I rarely used it due to space. Costco had an open box 9 cup Kitchenaid for 75 bucks, so I picked it up. And man, where has it been all my life? I cut an onion in half and threw it in to make sure it worked, and in 3 seconds I had a diced onion. Throw away the knives