Trump @ the Pearly Gates before St Peter:
"Hey, Pete... Can I call you Pete? Yeah, quite a line I had to wait in. Not a good look, making Donald Trump wait in line. I'm a busy guy, got lots to do up here. Hopin' to run for the big guy's job someday."
"What do you mean I'm not in the book? It's Trump. T-R-U-M-P. It's on everything I own; you have to have seen it. No? President Trump? No? Dictator For Life Trump? Oh, wait, I didn't get that far. Maybe Drumpf? No??? That doesn't make sense. Someone made a mistake. I'm definitely supposed to be here."
"I mean, I saw you let in Richard Simmons the other day. Such a strange little man. Never saw the appeal. Made money selling workout tapes with disgusting, fat, ugly women in them. Sold them to ugly, fat, disgusting women. What a waste. Women like that should just stay inside. Nobody wants to see them. I like to spend my time with beautiful women, like my wives. Did you know, Pete, I had three of them? Beautiful. Until they weren't, or I got bored with them, or I saw another one that caught my eye. Then I kicked 'em to the curb and found a new one. I mean, they're not worth having around once the looks go. I was hoping to get rid of Melania soon and replace her with Ivanka. My daughter is a looker, right! But wait... Simmons. I mean, people said--not that I would ever say this--people were saying he might have been a little light in the loafers, if ya catch my drift? So if you let him in, you GOTTA let me in. You just have to. Not that I have any problem with LGBT or whatever they're calling themselves these days. As long as they stay away from me."
"Hey, I got an idea. Let's make a deal. I make great deals, you know that. I wrote a book on it! Not that I've ever read it. So let's make a deal. I love deals."
"You let me in here, and I'll build you a palace the likes this place has never seen. I was a successful real estate developer, you know. Many buildings. Big buildings. Glorious. Covered in gold, so you know they were classy! And every one with a big TRUMP right on it. I could build you a palace!"
"And here's what I'll do, Pete. I'll build you that palace, FREE, if you let me in. Yeah! Who else would do that. I mean, not exactly "free", you'd have to obviously pay the cost of materials, but MY time would be free. You'd get in for cost! That's a great deal, I tell you."
"I mean, not just cost of materials, it'd be cost of materials plus overhead. Let's say cost+20%. Actually, what are the prevailing wages up here? Got any illegal immigrants that you can pay peanuts? No... How about angels? I know they can dance on a head of a pin, but any of 'em know how to swing a hammer? Let's just make it cost+40% to be safe."
"That's a great deal. You should take that deal before I change my mind. Nobody but Donald Trump is nice enough to offer a deal like that. Cost+40%? Who does that? Just let me in and it'll ALL work out."
"In fact, you're gonna like the place so much that you're going to pay me more for it. You know, that's a thing that happens. I try to charge people, and they say 'Mr Trump, your time is so valuable, and your buildings are so amazing, that I don't feel right only paying what you're trying to charge me. Here's an extra 20%.' That's a thing that happens all the time. People love my stuff so much that they just give me extra money because they don't want to insult me. So where does that put us... Okay, cost+60%!"
"And this palace, it's going to be the wonder of Heaven. In fact, it'll probably be an income producing property. Lots of people up here were dead when I started my career and have never seen a Trump building. They're going to want tours. They're going to be lined up outside the doors. You can make a whole side hustle out of this! Naturally I should get a royalty out of that, but here's what I'll do--I'll take it up front. Cost+80%."
"Word's gonna get around, Pete. I'll bet Jesus himself will want to see it. He's gonna ask you 'Who built this, Pete? Who could build something so magnificent? It's a miracle! Wait... Don't tell me. I only know of one person in human history could do it, but I didn't think he was scheduled to be up here for a while... Is Donald Trump up here in Heaven?' That's what he's gonna say, Pete. Smart guy, that Jesus. Recognizes talent when he sees it. I remember him saying something about letting rich guys in heaven it's like poking a camel with a needle. Something like that. Never read that book either. But he knows I should be up here. You know what else, Pete, he's gonna ask what you paid. He's gonna say 'You didn't let him do this for cost+80%, did you? Why would you try to swindle a good man like Trump? If you didn't pay him at least double cost, I might ask myself if you've got the right instincts to man the pearly gates any more?' So ya hear, Pete... Probably need to up that to double cost, because you don't want to make Jesus angry at you."
"Pete... PETE... PETE!!! Why are you receding and why do I feel like I'm falling? What's going on? You should have taken the deal, Pete! I make the best deals. Everyone says so! Wait, why is it getting hotter and hotter? Is that lake on fire?!?! Who are those red guys with the pointy stakes? What's going on???"
"Who are you?!"
SATAN: "Hello, Donald. Welcome to hell. It's time to make good on that OTHER deal you made so long ago, something about me owning your soul?"
Trump: "No! Not possible. I swindled you! Everyone knows I don't have a soul!"
SATAN: "Yes you do, Donald. You've just ignored, mistreated, and malnourished it for so long in your life that neither you nor anyone around you thought it existed. But it does, and now it, and you, belong to me."
Fin
