total change of subject and fully in the realm of "y'all ain't gonna believe this shizen, but..."....
this may be winded, but it'll be..... fascinating.
my 7 year old daughter has a friend who lives two streets over. good kid, decent parents- but they like to drink... and they belly up to my bar every weekend which is guaranteed to get worse as summer encroaches.
apparently the wife of this family was sitting on their front porch when a bicycle pedals past- and she waives as is the custom.... the cyclist lady waives back... and then she doubles back to chat- they were strangers at this point.
she proceeds to share her life story.. crying and laughing within seconds of each... playing with her phone the entire time. of the sudden a truck pulls in- the cyclists husband... after a while they left, and the couple (parents of my kids friend) kind of shrug it off...
next day: cyclist lady pulls back in the drive of this couple.. decides they should all go on a bike ride... to my friggin house (as it turns out)... so, mom, kid, and this lady arrive in my drive where i am working on my boat with a friend...
this lady introduces herself- ends up she lives two houses up and behind me. she asks if i have some wine to share- which gets her directed to the wife.. the kids jump in the pool and this lady wanders into the house to find my wife and presumably a glass of wine...
my 20yo kid is inside with one of her friends... says this lady walks in and finds the wine rack, and proceeds pulling corks.. apparently without a care about value... her first victim (but not her last by a far cry) was a bottle of Champagne -veuve clicquot from several years back that was more of a keepsake or decoration- not that it's exactly top shelf but not bad, either... and chugs it.... after draining about half she stops and declares "this isn't wine!"- laughs and grabs another bottle... fortunately some white crap the wife keeps around for folks who drink that swill...
so over the next two or so hours i migrated from the boat to the bar where several more people had gathered... had a few beers, talk some smack... and some strange fella walks in... the husband of this crazy lady... it's not often i get a weird vibe from a dude- but i got a weird vibe... from this dude.
so while drinking a couple beers (i rarely have more than three a week and never more than two in a sitting) and chowing on foods the wife was presenting, i noticed the 'women folk' were acting strange.. real strange... but.. i was in mundane conversations with dudes and keeping this 'new' guy in at least the corner of my eye.... something real strange was happening, perhaps, but it wan't my problem- it was a woman's problem...
i watched my wife cross the yard and go into her she shed- there is a freezer and an extra 'fridge in there- i guessed she was short of something and retrieving it... not ten seconds behind her follows the strange lady- who i've decided deserved at least the other corner of my eye at this point, and mainly due to the private whispered conversations between her husband and her.... weird something is going on, but i've no clue what.. the mom of my kids friend asks me "where is your wife?".. I told her.. she asks "where is (whatever that womans name is) and i tell her she's in the she shed with my wife- her eyes bulge and she literally walks about as fast as someone can without running toward the she shed... thirty seconds later they all come out....
it's just after dark now, and the parents of my kids friends decide they are leaving, which is strange... they usually stay late. they ask for me to haul them home on the golf cart- sure... i know the drill... i'm the only sober person (of age) and this chore usually falls to me...
on the way they fill me in... holy crap... i tell them to tuck and roll because i just left my wife and 7 year old with those people.. the 20 yo had left long before this..
i pull up in front of the barn and walk quickly through (garage doors pass through, bar/cook pit is on the backside)... this woman is hugging my wife and kissing her on the cheek telling her what a great time she's had.. the husband is just sitting there.. my wife breaks free and tells me in stern tone "i'm going to put the kid to bed and sleep with her tonight"... she is approaching me as she is saying this, gives me a hug goodnight and says quietly in my ear "and i'm locking the door"...
i walk these strange folks to the gate at the front of the barn, and.... i heard it for myself... this lady (and i'd heard her say it at least 100 times earlier, but had no clue its meaning) wanted to make an upside down pineapple... i thought "a cake?"... then i thought "a drink of some sort?"... but neither fit.. then she went into detail- and i mean detail- of what she wanted to do with my wife... and the husband stood there nodding approvingly....
i'm a fairly nice fella... i don't seek confrontation... i know to keep quiet and walk away, because i can also go from zero to life without the chance of parole in four seconds flat.. this circumstance, however, humored me in much the same way i imagine the masses were humored by 'tiger king'. so, i kept making excuses and telling them i needed to go to bed.. the kid needed to sleep and needed her momma... and that we'd see them later on... anything to peacefully rid myself of them and rely on sobriety of the variety that hits you like an avalanche when the sun comes up- the kind that questions your sanity and conscious and scares you to church or whatever spiritual sanctity with the common "i did what? i really said that? did i... OH NO... OH MY GOD...Please tell me it was a bad dream!!!!" to keep them away- forever if the gods are good...
at one point this lady tells me she's going in to talk with my wife and if that kid is still awake she'll toss her in the closet... i'm thinking about my acceleration again... smile, and say 'see ya!!!'.....
i googled 'upside down pineapple'.. well... apparently if you are into swinging and are inviting other swingers into your home you would place a flag, a sign, a picture, or even a real pineapple upside down within a few feet of your front door... apparently it started at supermarkets where people would aimlessly push a cart around the place with a whole pineapple upside down in it... and maybe these things are good to know so as not to entice people who have zero clue about it?
i wandered around the house's exterior well after midnight looking for some sign of something these people may have mistaken for such a sign, and there is nothing.. i wondered around inside the house after that looking for same, and came up empty. there is a 1000pc puzzle still in the box with a pineapple, and there is a can of pineapples in the pantry... that is all we have for that...
i figured they were gone... i was wrong.
tuesday i'm working on the boat again, this time in the engine compartment... a vehicle pulls in... i've not seen it before... it's this woman.... she has brought back to me a wine glass she left with, and offered an apology for her behavior...
now here is the thing... i don't consider myself an asshole, but just about everyone who knows me will quickly argue that... i'm as nice as can be- BUT- if you put me in a position where i have to do something i don't want to, you're going to hear about it... that's not ME being an asshole, that's YOU MAKING ME BE AN ASSHOLE... which makes YOU the asshole... which clears a lane for me to mash the throttle- which i WILL do, and because 'somebody' has to be the bad guy... fine.. i'm the bad guy..
much to my amazement- as this woman apologizes, i tell her "don't worry about it- it's all good... nobody got hurt.. but.. you're not welcome here anymore.".
i thought that would do it based off of her facial reaction.
turns out i was wrong.
she showed up tonight... i'm finishing off a cigar and a good bourbon while shooting the bull with a friend, and i hear the latch on the gate opening- i turn my head and witness this woman coming on through as if she's been doing it for years... this time? i was a little more forceful when i said to her (again) YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE... she stops and says, "okay, sorry"... and leaves...
i don't think she's done... i don't think her husband is either... a matter of fact, i think they'll both happen by at some point to 'talk things over'... at what point i go wide open throttle.. i've been nice twice- a rarity.. i've been 1/4 forceful in voice once... next time there will be physical demonstration of force.
what in the friggin' world is wrong with people? seriously? AND THEY LIVE WITHIN 200 YARDS OF US??? they've been there for six months... and here is the thing i find really unsettling: I truly believe, and i'm damn good about reading people usually, that her 'husband' (can he really be her husband by any other reason but law if he pawns her out like that?) sets her out to hunt.. obviously this woman is into this 'upside down pineapple' thing, but... i get the idea and i believe it well founded that HE sets her out to target and hunt potential participants...
live and let live is my forever mantra- so long as you aren't breaking the law or screwing someone else over, have at it. but... go to vegas or somewhere they have meet ups for that kind of thing... in the neighborhood you live? WTH is wrong with people?
so.... i don't share stuff like this in person... so i vent here- right here in the SoC thread... what a friggin' mess. funny, yeah... but there is a weird vibe i get from it i don't like... like i may hear from these people at a strange time or place... goes to that old "a woman scorned" thing... which i've long determined is accurate.
what y'all think?
