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I'd be catastrophic in terms of ... knowing football. But assembling and motivating a team is a trait I've built over decades. That and press conferences, I like to think I'd have down.

I am pretty sure I don't know enough about the position to have an opinion worth much.  Let's limit this to game day decision making.

I could make a few decisions on gameday relative to the head coach.  Wouldn't pretend to be able to call plays on either side of the ball on time.  The game moves fast.  I could have some high level input after studying the playbook and watching practice and games for a year.
If I was simply dropped in tomorrow for the Husker Badger game, I'd stay out of the way until Sunday morning
elementary decisions such as:
declining or accepting a penalty, 
attempting a FG, punting, or going for it, 
when to use timeouts and challenges

I can tell you what I would not do.    I would not hide my face behind a play card.   There would be going for it on the plus side of the field, aside from very long situations.   I'd probably spend too much time talking and listening to my guys up in the booth, as I tend to operate strategically, in the moment.   They will see what I cannot.

Of course I'd have a gameplan, but as Mike Tyson always said.... That means, I probably wouldn't call the plays.    Oral arguments, panel discussions at conferences, presentations, I keep my plans down to one page or less.   That means a lot drilling to master the material during the week.   If you can't dominate at practice you can't just roll it out there and expect to control the game.

I'd be very distracted by mental mistakes by players.   Kids not lining up properly, I'm sure I'd burn a timeout because of some misalignment on a punt or something like that.   I coach 3rd and 4th grade vball, so I'm stuck on teaching technique, positioning and court awareness.  Talent is randomly distributed, so nobody looks good unless you have kids playing the right way.

As a self-employed guy for a whole lot of years, I think I could manage people. And that's where it would stop.

much of our problem with the position would be lack of experience

No doubt. And probably true of everything. Although intuition is real, very little talent is inborn in my experience. Yahtzee, hockey, poetry, law, medicine; being great at anything only comes with repetition. It's safe to bet the same of coaching. Practice, practice, practice.
Because even if this means we could all have been particle physicists, how many of us cared so much about that subject to invest the majority of our life to try? On this board, I think the count is zero (my apologies if I've forgotten a person's vocation). Coaching is the same way. The people who do it are - more or less - equally as ab/normal and un/healthy as the rest of us. They do it. So could we. But as with anything, football is sufficiently complicated that we can't rise to a high level without first investing the majority of a life.

How much money do I have to hire assistants and what kind of behind the scenes network of boosters to pay for top recruits am I working with?

If I got a blank check and can hire Don Brown away as my DC and Rich Rodriguez as my OC I think I'd be just fine.

You'd have the DC and OC currently on staff, say at Purdue.

We're a modest bunch here, which is good, and I think realistic.  I was pondering this hypothetical because of the criticism afforded Franklin on his 4th down call, and how often "we" criticize coaching decisions that are obvious on TV.  

I'm reminding myself that I'd be pretty bad at it, in real time, which as noted is different from watching a play call fail on TV and claiming I WOULD have done differently.

Real time is pretty fast, and you only get 3 TOs a half obviously.