It seems like every kind of loss is its own kind of hell and I've come to believe there's no use comparing them. Hell is hell, despite the fact that it always seems like things would be better in the other boat. I've definitely thought that at times, how this untenable part of my life would be bearable if it just weren't this way....this is the worst possible situation. A couple times, a few years later I'd wind up in one of the other situations and realize it felt at least as bad, and surely it was worse now, and how stupid I must have been then for thinking that was the worst it could be.
Watching a family member spiraling downhill has got to suck. Like, really bad. I've seen it, but fortunately not with anyone in my immediate family. Watching a vibrant, bright warm person slowly morph into someone with limited cognitive ability be robbed of their memories, the very things that heavily define who we are, has got to be brutal. Just absolutely soul-wrenching. It's hell.
My friend's dad had pancreatic cancer, notorious for presenting no symptoms until it's far too late. So this 64 year old dude is apparently healthy, he's happy, been a handy-man around town for years who is loved by many, spends as much time with his kids and grandkids as any family could ever hope, and demonstrates his love for them clearly and often. Then he goes to the doctor with pain in his torso. "Stage 4 cancer," they tell him, "Go home on hospice and it won't be long." Six days later, he's gone. His poor wife is completely blindsided, his family and friends barely had any time to process. There's a certain numbness that goes with it, but even by the funeral it was starting to sink in.....he was here and we expected years to go with him, now suddenly he's gone. It's a horrific realization that will reveal itself slowly, in stages, over a good year or two. They'd like to be done with it now and begin moving on, but it doesn't work that way. It's only just now starting. It's hell.
My fiance's mom was diagnosed a year and a half before she passed, and only the last 4 months were really bad. Even then there was hope. It wasn't until she declined further dialysis that we knew she would last only days more. Her family had plenty warning that things could end, and then a relatively short period to deal with a really heartbreaking quality of life for the sweet lady. And it still smashed her husband, kids and grandkids, and her poor parents who are both still alive and well. They're in hell, I can see it.
I'd never try to diminish what someone goes through with the loss of a loved one. I'm just no longer convinced there is a better way to go that's easier on the loved ones. Death is death, pain is pain, and loss is loss. There is some psychological research to suggest that personal loss even while seeming objectively worse in certain situations over others appears to affect the bereaved exactly the same, mentally. It's probably confirmation bias on my part, but I find that easy to believe.
My pastor growing up used to say that for the person going to heaven, this life for better or worse is the only hell they will ever know. I get some comfort from that.
