I have a cancerous tumor.
Damn.
So why's this in the happy thread, you ask? Because it's a small tumor (that's good) and although this might all change pending the outcome my appointments with urology and oncology, it does not appear to have spread anywhere yet, it should be taken care of with a surgery, and I probably won't have to do chemo or anything like that. And I'm happy because it was so unlikely to have found this at all. What happened was, I noticed some bumps under my arms, got them checked by my Doc, which were prominent lymph nodes. She ordered a chest CT to rule out causes, and the chest CT just happened to show the edge of the kidney, and the radiologist got enough info from that to recommend more tests done on the kidney specifically, which is how this was found. I asked if it's possible the lymph nodes were swollen due to the cancer, my wife says no, it's just a happy accident that lead to more tests and clued us in before this got any worse. Again, the doctors will tell us more, but she thinks it's likely most of the kidney will be preserved and though it won't function at 100% after a piece is cut out, it can still function highly.
I consider this remarkably good fortune, given the circumstances.