CFB51 College Football Fan Community
The Power Five => Big Ten => Topic started by: medinabuckeye1 on May 24, 2021, 04:13:43 PM
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My dad passed away recently from Alzheimer's. I created a thread about Alzheimer's/dementia (https://www.cfb51.com/big-ten/ot-dementiaalzheimers/) a while back and there is some good advice in there if you are dealing with that in your family. I also posted about his death in the obituaries thread (https://www.cfb51.com/big-ten/ot-obituaries-thread/532/).
This isn't about those two things specifically, this is about something more important. It does or can relate to Alzheimer's but it is important in life in general.
ENJOY EVERY DAY.
My dad's motto or catchphrase was "Enjoy every day and try to make the world a little better place for your having been here."
Do that.
As it relates to Alzheimer's specifically:
When you are caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia it is easy to fall into the trap of constantly feeling bad because your basis of comparison is always chronologically earlier when they were better. Example:
- My dad died the day after my 46th birthday. On my 46th birthday he didn't even wake up. I went to my parents' house and told him it was my birthday and that I loved him and that he had become a father 46 years prior. I convinced myself that he heard me and that it gave him some measure of comfort to hear that but . . . I watched his cognitive decline over the last 10+ years so I know how dubious of a proposition that was. When you are doing that, it is easy to look back to the birthday before that:
- My dad didn't remember my 45th birthday but when I went to visit him and told him it was my birthday he seemed to get it. He told me how happy he was when I was born. When you are doing that, it is easy to look back to the birthday before that:
- When I turned 44 my dad knew it and wanted to see me but wasn't all there. When you are doing that it is easy to look back to the birthday before that:
- When I turned 43 my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. He could still operate a telephone and he knew what day it was.
My point is that it is easy, each birthday or Christmas or anniversary or whatever to look back to the prior versions and feel horrible because you wish you had the person like they were back then. Don't do that. Enjoy every day. If you only get 5 minutes with an Alzheimer's patient as themselves, cherish that five minutes because eventually that too will be taken away from you. Enjoy what you have when you have it.
Enjoy every day and try to make the world a little better place for your having been here.
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Enjoy every day and try to make the world a little better place for your having been here.
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I've been living like this for decades and it's one of the few pieces of advice I give young people.
My only other advice I will offer is..........
don't smoke cigarettes & don't carry credit card debt
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This reminds me of when my mom was battling cancer and due to schedules and everything, my little brother was the one to take her to chemo appointments.
That task had to be hard, seeing her through that...unbearable, but when she died, I was immediately jealous of that time he got to spend with her. It was unpleasant, for sure, but it was time.
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Despite it being her 2nd bout with cancer, and no good news through that second, aggressive experience, I was still blindsided by her death. I was 20 and she was my mom - she would be okay. I guess that's where my jealousy came from - she was gone, there were no more moments with her. His rough, depressing moments were suddenly desirable to me. It was too late.
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We're all here for you.
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This is a great thread. Thank you for starting it.
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This reminds me of when my mom was battling cancer and due to schedules and everything, my little brother was the one to take her to chemo appointments.
That task had to be hard, seeing her through that...unbearable, but when she died, I was immediately jealous of that time he got to spend with her. It was unpleasant, for sure, but it was time.
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Despite it being her 2nd bout with cancer, and no good news through that second, aggressive experience, I was still blindsided by her death. I was 20 and she was my mom - she would be okay. I guess that's where my jealousy came from - she was gone, there were no more moments with her. His rough, depressing moments were suddenly desirable to me. It was too late.
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We're all here for you.
Thank you @OrangeAfroMan (https://www.cfb51.com/index.php?action=profile;u=58) . This is so true. What you said about time with your mother before she died is exactly the point I was trying to make about time with my dad on my birthday. Each year sucked in comparison to the last but was wonderful in comparison to the next. Finally, spending time with my unconscious and dying father on my 46th birthday sucked because he was unconscious and dying but at least I got to spend time with the shell of the man who had once been my father. When I turn 47 next year I will visit my dad, but I will be visiting a granite stone.
Once they are gone, you can't get them back. Enjoy every day and try to make the world a little better place for your having been here.
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Just so, so sorry Medina. Life just refuses to make that part easy.
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with alzheimers/dementia, you lose them twice. once slowly over time as they lose touch with reality, and then once quickly as their body finally catches up with their mind and fails. at least that was my experience with my grandmother.
sorry for your loss, @medinabuckeye1 (https://www.cfb51.com/index.php?action=profile;u=1547)
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Yup
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with alzheimers/dementia, you lose them twice. once slowly over time as they lose touch with reality, and then once quickly as their body finally catches up with their mind and fails. at least that was my experience with my grandmother.
sorry for your loss, @medinabuckeye1 (https://www.cfb51.com/index.php?action=profile;u=1547)
Thank you @rolltidefan (https://www.cfb51.com/index.php?action=profile;u=12) .
The strange thing is that when the alzheimers patient eventually physically dies it is like two different things happening at once:
On one hand, it is basically a non-event. My dad physically died on May 15, but it isn't like he was "there" in any meaningful way on May 14. As a practical matter, Dementia took him from me long ago.
At the same time, death has this terrible finality. On May 14 I could still hope that he might "wake up" and have five minutes of clarity and I'd still get to talk to my dad one more time but obviously that sliver of hope died with him.
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I am so sorry for your loss. Loss of a parent is very difficult. My wife, 7-years junior to me, has lost both parents. As for me I am so fortunate, but Arizona is a trip to see them.
That said, Dad will be 89 in September. Mom will be 88 in June. They plan to spend two months of Summer 2021 in Iowa. Dad is trying to figure out when he can return to his job as a sacker at Safeway Grocery in Tucson. He has been waiting for others to get the vaccine. He took a sabbatical from his high school kid type job in March 2020.
He was of the belief that if he didn't work, he would die. But, so far, so good for 14-months.
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I was thinking about this thread before I was put under for my procedure. I knew of course the odds I would pass were probably less than odds of being killed in a car accident, but I thought about it. I think it's good, especially after retirement, to think about what you want to complete in your life. When you work and have kids, you don't have time, usually, for such thoughts, or actions, you are day to day mostly.
But when you retire of course you have your entire day to "do what you want". I have been fortunate financially so I can do what I want, generally, I don't want to work, so I started writing fiction, a thing I dabbled with before but never had time to complete. Anyway, it's a good reminder, I think.