CFB51 College Football Fan Community
The Power Five => Big Ten => Topic started by: TyphonInc on July 30, 2019, 07:51:32 PM
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Oh boy. Two parts: I have a 17 year old Husky that now has Cancer and the Vet recommended we just give pain meds due to advanced age. This one will be tough for me and the family.
Two weeks ago I went hiking with the girls they discovered a 3 inch Giant American Millipede, fell in love and named her Milli. We built a habitat for her, and did all kinds of research on Millipedes. This morning I picked up the spray bottle to moisten the habitat, and grabbed my wife's Essential Lemon oil instead. Two sprays into the moistening Milli seized up, curled into a defensive ball, and they ceased to be.
My girls have been crying for for over an hour now, we did an impromptu funeral. I told them it's ok to be sad and cry, but I am concerned with the amount of sadness they have been showing. Like it's more than they did for passing grandparents. And really concerned with how they are going to handle the dog. Anyone have thoughts or suggestions? Ice Cream didn't help. Really Ice Cream didn't help.
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Oh man. I'm so sorry about this. That's awful news. I've never had kids but anticipate that when the other parents chime in the idea that rings the most will be how honesty is the best policy and, sadly, sometimes honesty is excrutiating. And with honesty being such a valuable lesson and loss being so woven into our lives, playing it straight just feels right. That and to be delicate to the max. So, so sorry again.
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While my wife and I have an agreed on pet ban during our marriage, I did have a couple yellow canaries as a kid at different times. My Mom always told us that animals and birds are fragile and really conditioned us to prepare for am eventual and likely sudden death. It wasn't a doom and gloom scenario but it did help.
That doesn't help your situation but it may provide you a chance to begin to celebrate the life of your husky while the dog is with you. To grasp that pets typically don't live as long as grandparents or most other people.
Kids sure do get invested though, deeply, even with non living things.
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It can just be a science lesson - every living thing will die, and that's okay, because it's natural. If nothing ever died, the world would be too full of dogs or centipedes and/or whatever else.
If they're young, you can simply go into animals having a life cycle like people - a baby, a child, then it grows up and becomes an adult, then it gets old.
Up to you how in-depth you go with offspring and that's how living things sort of live on and genes and such.
And yes, you'll die and they'll die and grandma will die, but not yet and/or not for a long time.
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Tell 'em about the Rainbow Bridge.
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Tell them about the fundamental existential pointlessness of life and how not a damn thing matters and we're all just going to end up the same way we started: random unconnected atoms.
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he said "girls"
science and fundamental existence???
not gonna work
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Yeah, girls are wired....differently. My favorite all-time meltdown by one of my kids (and that's a tough top 5 to crack), ok #2, is when my youngest (now 7) was 3 or 4, and we were in Milwaukee getting frozen custard, and it was a hot day, and she could not keep up, and the vanilla was melting, and she's licking, and trying to stop it from dripping. In her mind, she was forever losing this one scoop/cone of vanilla. It was quite a spectacle, and there was nothing a human being could do to mitigate that situation, other than to clean up the picnic table and bench and just laugh to yourself. Other older kids looking on in disbelief, etc. You think that girl could handle a goldfish?
I wish you the best (with your husky and family). Unlike the custard incident, you will no doubt be empathetic, and your ability to demonstrate that you too are sad, or hurt by the situation, shows the child that you too are vulnerable and that it is ok to have those feelings, it is normal, and appropriate, but that it isn't the only way you feel about the situation.
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Our cats died when our kids were young, 2 and 4. We were just honest, talked about circle of life, and that because both of them had been suffering from sickness and old age, they were better off moving on to kitty heaven. They were very sad, and to this day 7 years later mention those cats, but they were able to move on.
Kids are surprisingly reslient. Your fear for them and need to protect them from the pain, is way worse than the pain they're feeling, I promise you. They'll bounce back.
Also, RIP Milli.
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My son is 8 now and I think for us we have a Grandma that has a farm and we help raise animals that we send to the butcher and and eat. So pretty much all the kids in our family have names pigs/cows helped raise them/fed them when spending the night etc and then have gotten the meat back and know where its from. Its helped give a good understanding of pets/animals/life
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Please do not tell a kid there's a "kitty heaven". There's no need for that BS.
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Please do not tell a kid there's a "kitty heaven". There's no need for that BS.
Please, don't insult people's beliefs that may differ from yours. There is no call for that.
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It's probably wise not to give definitive advice to other parents with other children on such a topic, though one can state what one did himself in the past.
I was always upfront on such things. My kids seemed to be resilient, they forgot about it in a day or so apparently. I was not very touchy feely I suppose.
Not having a wife was at times a great benefit, especially THAT wife.
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Please do not tell a kid there's a "kitty heaven". There's no need for that BS.
Please, don't insult people's beliefs that may differ from yours. There is no call for that.
You misunderstand OAM. There's no kitty heaven because cats are assholes.
There is kitty hell. AKA doggy heaven.
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we recently had to have our dog of 13 years put down due to cancer/internal bleeding. happened very suddenly for us (on 4th of july, no less). didn't know he had cancer until it was hemorrhaging.
we just told them the truth. we gave our kids options on how "involved" they wanted to be. they all chose to be in room for a long while, but not while he was given shot/passing. we let them grieve for a long time, but at some point it became clear it was enough. we didn't just cut it off cold, but we started steering the thoughts/discussions away from wailing/grieving.
tbh, i think it hit me harder than them though. we had a burial/funeral for him the next morning. the night he died, i couldn't sleep, so i made him a casket (do some woodworking on side/hobby). all weekend i could only think 2 things: 1 - i missed my dog, 2 - i don't know how people who lose children survive.
sorry about your dog, btw. it sucks.
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It's probably wise not to give definitive advice to other parents with other children on such a topic, though one can state what one did himself in the past.
I was always upfront on such things. My kids seemed to be resilient, they forgot about it in a day or so apparently. I was not very touchy feely I suppose.
Not having a wife was at times a great benefit, especially THAT wife.
Ed Zachery
All 3 statements
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Ed Zachery
All 3 statements
Definitely agree, which is why I just offered up how we handled it.
Nobody has any business telling others how to raise their children. All I can do is give examples of how I chose to soothe my own kids. Like I said, they're resilient, they bounced back. I spent a lot more energy and angst worrying over how they were taking it, than they spent on the actual event. Which is what parents do.
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hah, I remember my mother having that happen. She sat me down to tell me the horrible news of my dog getting run over by the milk truck.
Told me how it happened, told me it was OK to feel sad and it was OK to cry.....
I asked her if she was done if I could go outside to play with my friends
I was not very touchy feely I suppose.
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Definitely agree, which is why I just offered up how we handled it.
Nobody has any business telling others how to raise their children. All I can do is give examples of how I chose to soothe my own kids. Like I said, they're resilient, they bounced back. I spent a lot more energy and angst worrying over how they were taking it, than they spent on the actual event. Which is what parents do.
What if it's painfully obvious that they shouldn't have had children?
How come you need a marriage license, but not a children license?
As to the topic, I have no experience with it. Like MH, I'm a "no pet" person. I guess if I had to do it, I'd just be honest and hit it head on. No fluff.
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pets or people, there's loss and grief
I'm one that feels people are different/more important than pets/animals, but not everyone feels that way
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What if it's painfully obvious that they shouldn't have had children?
How come you need a marriage license, but not a children license?
As to the topic, I have no experience with it. Like MH, I'm a "no pet" person. I guess if I had to do it, I'd just be honest and hit it head on. No fluff.
Ha! And who gets to make that determination? I'm fine with it, as long as it's me. Which is of course the way everyone feels.
What I find most hilarious, is when someone with no children, tells someone with children, how to raise children. That's genuine LOL funny right there.
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You misunderstand OAM. There's no kitty heaven because cats are assholes.
There is kitty hell. AKA doggy heaven.
(https://i.imgur.com/efO2H1E.png)
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well, parents that leave their children in a locked car, no matter the temp or season, obviously need some pointers
there are many other horrible examples, but that should make the point
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well, parents that leave their children in a locked car, no matter the temp or season, obviously need some pointers
there are many other horrible examples, but that should make the point
It's a case of reductio ad absurdum, so not really worthy of being argued, when the context of this discussion is, "how should a parent tell a child about the loss of a pet."
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i talk a lot of shizen, especially in a51... rarely do i reveal something that is absolutely how i figure something to be... Pets, and pets passing in something i do take serious and don't BS about...
the way i think is gonna be different than most, and i don't mind. here goes:
we don't 'own' pets. we coexist with them, just like we do people. the way we treat them reveals the way we would treat the world if given the opportunity and less the social constructs that are the sole factor that keeps some people in line. Pets, especially, represent 'experiments' where we can actually observe the entire lifespan and in a short (relative) period. Like anything else on this planet, they and everything else are temporary- it's up to you how you interact with them while they're here. you can offer them a better life than they would have had, or you can make them miserable. You can build a relationship, which all things should enjoy in some way while they're here, or you can ignore them. all the while, you aren't going to stop the cycle of life, and, you are 'practicing' how you interact with those having their own independent experience- and influencing, however slightly, how they move forward in their own interactions after you're absent... you can do it kind, mean, apathetic or with empathy.... you reveal yourself whether you know it or not, and people notice (the most important person noticing ought to be you).
it's in this vane, however uncomfortable, that you gauge how you're helping your child develop.
while the pet is passing, the take away is an evaluation of the relationship- and the most important is if a person is proud of that or not... sad, yeah- it's also an experience we should all have- and often enough to remind us how important relationships are (hopefully). pets, in particular, are a great way of isolating our own God complex- "did i give them a good life, mistakes aside?" life and death is out of our jurisdiction (hopefully), but the value of our interaction is on display when something or someone passes. pets passing is but full contact practice and ought to put those emotionally entwined on notice of what they are or are becoming.
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pets or people, there's loss and grief
I'm one that feels people are different/more important than pets/animals, but not everyone feels that way
I like pets a lot more than people.
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Hear, hear.
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I'm good buddies with my daughter's dog that lives in my home
but, I've thought seriously about causing his death more than a few times
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Would anyone here invite a hairy naked man into your house?
This hairy naked man doesn't wipe his ass, rarely bathes, freely sits on your couch, and he always wants to eat everything he possibly can.
Ponder, please.
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Probably depends on how safe and adorable he is.
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yes, what's his personality like?
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yes, what's his personality like?
I see what you did there...
What about a pig?
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There is no way to tell if a person is going to be a decent parent from what I've seen. My ex was a truly horrible parent. The kids have told me stories about how they were treated on the weekends they were at her house. Neglect would have been better.
When they got to be about 12 they would call me to pick them up so the could "do something", anything, they didn't care. She handed them a pile of videos to watch and left the house.
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I'm with UTee in the belief that the kids will likely get over this faster than you. They are resilient, and their psychological development makes them better at focusing on the present than adults. That's not to say that it won't be painful and that they won't remember. It will be, and they will remember, but kids are resilient. Tell them--with whatever additional trappings you think are appropriate for the passing of a loved one.
And it's ok that they will be sad. I still get sad thinking about the passing of the pets we lost over the years, particularly "my dog," but the joy they brought me far outweighs it.
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Would anyone here invite a hairy naked man into your house?
This hairy naked man doesn't wipe his ass, rarely bathes, freely sits on your couch, and he always wants to eat everything he possibly can.
Ponder, please.
How am I supposed to get any invitations if you're spreading this?!?!? Shhhhhhh!
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Please, don't insult people's beliefs that may differ from yours. There is no call for that.
So you're arguing that there IS a kitty heaven? :57:
Tell us more....
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Fro's kindergarten classes must be a hoot.
"Kids, today we are going to learn that your parents lied to you about Santa, Kitty Heaven, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. You, your parents and your GD cat are actually just tiny little insignificant specks of dust on a floating space rock, destined to be worm food!"
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It would be harder to explain the Easter Bunny than to explain its fictitiousness.
But actually, there's so many fantastic things to marvel at in reality that are as good as or better than made up stuff. For a child to be able to differentiate the two - that's key.
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Reading through the responses to the OP, 80% of the “advice” is well intended but clueless. Not necessarily bad advice, just clueless, which leads to my point that I think it’s perfectly OK for parents to not really know how to react to their children asking about death. Among the philosophical ironies of the human condition, one is how much more we strive to understand life’s impossible uncertainties than come to terms with the obvious certainties.
My first personal experience with death was as a five year old. An older relative who lived with us passed away from on going health complications. My mom very sweetly explained to my brothers and I about being better off in the afterlife while in the kitchen my Dad argued over the phone about the price of coffins. Then the next day social workers and police came by to confiscate a number of belongings, one of which had to be explained by my peers when a year later I mentioned at school what I heard the police talking about with my parents: cocaine. It was 1980s South Florida so what’d’you expect?
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Reading through the responses to the OP, 80% of the “advice” is well intended but clueless. Not necessarily bad advice, just clueless
So, you don't mind hairy naked men in your house then?
There ya go, 'Fro. You got a place.
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cocaine in a hospice situation can be easily explained
imo
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Being honest isn't "clueless". I know it seems like an unsympathetic, ruthless thing, but it's not at all. You would caringly explain what's going on, tell them it's okay to be sad and encourage them to ask questions. I have ~25 students each year, and they deal with pet deaths, family deaths, family incarcerations, family drug use, deadbeat parents, homelessness, etc.
The truth + caring/listening/support = the best you can do.
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My wife took our daughter to the euthanasias of each of our four pets that died as she was growing up (daughter is now 24, and I include the one that died when she was 22). I was working for most of these. One was particularly grim. The vet explained what he was doing, and as the pet was dying, our daughter said, "Can you take the medicine out, please?"
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Can't imagine what Farmers/Ranchers go thru
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I like pets a lot more than people.
Except Bartenders
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Would anyone here invite a hairy naked man into your house?
This hairy naked man doesn't wipe his ass, rarely bathes, freely sits on your couch, and he always wants to eat everything he possibly can.
Ponder, please.
Quit taking unsolicited shots at SEC fans - save Drew of course
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I usually have on at least some gym shorts around the house.
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The wife has explained she doesn't want a dog because for her the pain of losing her pets LONG ago is still too prominent in her mind. She had a pair of German Shepherds that were loose in their backyard. She has told me they looked after her kids, especially the little one, if he wondered off a bit one went with him.
They had a bit of property and no fence, not even around the pool (in France). I've seen some photos of them around the pool having fun.
I'd love to have a dog myself, I really like dogs, but we travel too much and I think it's unfair to have a larger dog, which I'd like, 50 pounds or so, cooped up most of the day. I see folks in the park with their dog off leash, which technically is illegal but they do it when the park is lightly visited during the week. There also are two larger dog parks in the park which is fun to watch for me.
I have pondered if the wife predeceases me if I'd get a dog. She says she would hate to be last to go. Not a fun topic. Losing a dog is bad, losing a wife or kid is just way way way worse. I'm coming up on that anniversary, August 3. My FB feed is "reminding" me.
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Condolences again, CD. I can't even imagine.
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YES
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Yes.
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Attributed quotes by Mark Twain on dogs:
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.
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Except Bartenders
and beverage cart girls
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Tell them about the fundamental existential pointlessness of life and how not a damn thing matters and we're all just going to end up the same way we started: random unconnected atoms.
Tell them in your most warped Matthew McConaughey voiceover:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9oX2xFo7JA4
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Attributed quotes by Mark Twain on dogs:
What was the old joke you let the dog out of the car trunk he's happy to see you.Let your wife out and all hell breaks loose,Sheesh
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that's why you don't let the wife out
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What was the old joke you let the dog out of the car trunk he's happy to see you.Let your wife out and all hell breaks loose,Sheesh
That one might have been from Rodney Dangerfield rather than Mark Twain.
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that's why you don't let the wife out
Thanx,I'll try that - you should be a counselor
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and hope like hell no one else let's her out
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Confucius say: To avoid rabid wife let out of trunk, don't get married in the first place.
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could simply be a rabid GF