Dear Fellow Floridians,
We are going to be ok!
I have put together some quick tips for those who aren’t sure how they are supposed to navigate this weekend’s excessive cold weather.
● Wear real shoes. Your flip flops will have to fend for themselves for a few days. They will be okay.
● Socks! Wear them. Preferably with real shoes. Still a no on the flip flops.
● Put the doors back on your jeeps. Maybe leave your convertibles home.
● Consider pants. The extra fabric may feel a tad foreign at first, but you gotta power through.
● Stock your fridge now. Publix will be closed. Assume a record number of employees will call in dead. They’ve never been this cold and will believe they have passed.
● You've likely never noticed it but there is a setting on your AC unit at home that makes it blow out warm air. Use it. Look for a little fire symbol or the word H E A T
● There is also a similar function for the ac in your car… and turn off the seat AC feature.
● Umbrella. Use an umbrella if you do venture outside. Not for rain, it will help you avoid head injuries caused by frozen iguanas falling from trees. Those suckers are heavy.
● Bring all those orchids inside immediately. A couple hours in that kind of cold will kill them dead in an hour just like it will you if you don't stay inside your house.
● That soft warm chewing gum that's always in your car will now be harder than rock. Please don't break a tooth.
● DON'T use your Evian face spritz outside. It will freeze to your face, and you'll have little ice cycles hanging from your new lashes.
● Wash your hair now. You’re not going to this weekend. Perhaps pick up some dry shampoo on your way to pick up the last Publix sub of the week.
● Take deep breaths, you got this. No deep breaths on Saturday though. Your lungs aren’t used to air that cold. They will collapse… best hold your breath until Monday. Florida, may the odds be ever in your favor...
