I don't judge people by their demographic group, either. But when the evidence is overwhelming that our society does, in fact, judge people by their demographic group--particularly skin color--then pretending that it doesn't exist won't fix it.
The answer to your first question is systemic racism. That is the whole point.
The answer to your second? I'm guessing Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but it could be any famous black person who said that.
Here's another take on the same theme, from a friend and former colleague:
"Sometimes I look at my sweet little black boy and a guilty thought creeps, a hope really, that his light eyes and fair skin will make him appear less threatening and more human to the Amy Coopers and Officer Chauvins of the world. And it makes me sick."
That comment also highlights the insanity of how we got to determining blackness in the first place. What makes her son black when his father is as white as anyone?
So summarize, either black people are inherently inferior, or there is a systemic racism problem. It's not the former. If it's the latter (it is)--then we need to take active steps to address it, rather than hoping that if we ignore it, it will all go away.
The answer to my quote was Jesse Jackson. And my point was to illustrate that while racism does exist, it is a two way street. Perhaps the answer to racism is as someone here suggested that we quit viewing every incident through a racial lens.
While you seem to want to blame systemic racism for these incidents, perhaps if people raised their children to respect other people, regardless of race, then perhaps your friends fears will not be realized. I know that you will say that cannot happen, but I ask why not?
I live in a predominately white community(?) (I live in a rural area that one would hardly consider a community). Most of my neighbors are farmers or children of farmers that built houses on the farm land. We do have a couple of people of color that have purchased houses in the area, but for the most part, most people here are white.
One could conclude that because of this, most people in our area would be very suspicious of black people, not having grown up with them and with all of the "systemic" racism that is bread into our systems. After all, what evidence to we (my neighbors and myself) have that black people don't all live in poverty and commit crimes?
I can say that anyone coming to that conclusion would be wrong. What few black neighbors we have that have relocated here recently, are hardly discernible from anyone else. They are treated no better nor worse than anyone else in the area. They go to work everyday, take care of their families and their homes. They don't demand anything from anyone and are just as willing to help someone in need as anyone else. In other words, the only difference between them and everyone else is that their skin is somewhat darker. And do you know what? NOBODY CARES.
My point to this is to say that neither the black folks living here nor the white folks have focused on race. Therefore, we have ZERO racial issues. No one is treated any differently than anyone else. We all look out for each other and will come to the aid of anyone that needs help. I would hope that others could learn from that.