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Topic: Humor

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DunkingDan

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Re: Humor
« Reply #168 on: July 25, 2020, 10:51:12 AM »
     Short Observations on Getting Older


• I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.
• The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.
• Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”
• I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...
• I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.
• Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate?”
• I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
• As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of....it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
• I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
• My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That is when the fight started.
• Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore.....I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”  Gym Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up.”
• Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
• I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.
President Harry S. Truman said: “The fundamental basis of this nation’s laws was given to Moses on the Mount.  The fundamental basis of our Bill of Rights comes from the teachings…  If we don't have the proper fundamental moral background, we will finally wind up with a totalitarian government which does not believe in rights for anybody except the state.”

DunkingDan

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Re: Humor
« Reply #169 on: July 25, 2020, 07:08:12 PM »
President Harry S. Truman said: “The fundamental basis of this nation’s laws was given to Moses on the Mount.  The fundamental basis of our Bill of Rights comes from the teachings…  If we don't have the proper fundamental moral background, we will finally wind up with a totalitarian government which does not believe in rights for anybody except the state.”

DunkingDan

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Re: Humor
« Reply #170 on: July 25, 2020, 07:30:33 PM »
President Harry S. Truman said: “The fundamental basis of this nation’s laws was given to Moses on the Mount.  The fundamental basis of our Bill of Rights comes from the teachings…  If we don't have the proper fundamental moral background, we will finally wind up with a totalitarian government which does not believe in rights for anybody except the state.”

HK_Vol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #171 on: July 25, 2020, 11:42:48 PM »
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HK_Vol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #173 on: July 25, 2020, 11:52:13 PM »
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HK_Vol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #174 on: July 25, 2020, 11:53:19 PM »
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ATexasVol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #175 on: July 26, 2020, 09:04:12 AM »

ATexasVol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #176 on: July 26, 2020, 11:37:19 AM »
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In
one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the
Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.
"I've won the greatest sporting event in the world.
I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment,
there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile
of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of
their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get
raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !!!!


DunkingDan

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Re: Humor
« Reply #177 on: July 26, 2020, 12:58:01 PM »
President Harry S. Truman said: “The fundamental basis of this nation’s laws was given to Moses on the Mount.  The fundamental basis of our Bill of Rights comes from the teachings…  If we don't have the proper fundamental moral background, we will finally wind up with a totalitarian government which does not believe in rights for anybody except the state.”

HK_Vol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #178 on: July 28, 2020, 06:25:23 AM »

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

"So tell me then," added the boy

"Yes, my son?”

"Why are we living in Detroit and still wearing all this crap?





HK_Vol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #179 on: July 28, 2020, 06:31:54 AM »
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HK_Vol

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Re: Humor
« Reply #180 on: July 30, 2020, 04:10:08 AM »
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DunkingDan

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Re: Humor
« Reply #181 on: July 31, 2020, 04:12:45 PM »
President Harry S. Truman said: “The fundamental basis of this nation’s laws was given to Moses on the Mount.  The fundamental basis of our Bill of Rights comes from the teachings…  If we don't have the proper fundamental moral background, we will finally wind up with a totalitarian government which does not believe in rights for anybody except the state.”

 

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